*Laying in a meadow looking at the clouds*

*Sigh*

What the fuck even happened? Everyone was on the same page. Pierre was going to take on a curse in order to cleanse the grove of corruption. It was decided and done. But then Etienne just decided kill a folkwise spirit on the behest of the fucking werewolves to resolve it? Hadn’t we spoken to the spider crone who said that doing so might be a ploy by the werewolf crone to empower the werewolf crone? So he isn’t too keen on working with the Benalians to work on town problems he doesn’t see as affecting him, but he will work with the fucking werewolves? So it will be easier for them to hunt and kill us? I honestly hope he doesn’t think that just because he believes in this truce the circle has with the wolves that the wolves believe they owe us any thought. He is supposed to lead us, but I haven’t heard from anyone in the circle who actually understands what he was hoping to accomplish.

The circle should be preparing to leave Luisant. I don’t know how they expect to keep their activities a secret when the mists vanish. I know they have an attachment to the land and the grove, and I understand their desire to try to keep the spirits around as long as possible, but we are going to be killed. And the spirits have said that their strength is weakening with the mists and they won’t be able to manifest anyway. I understand the spirits are manifestations of Vecatra, but they are not Vecatra herself, and we must remember while we revere the spirits, we worship Vecatra. Vecatra is more than just Luisant. I don’t even know how much we should be paying heed to the spirits. They hold power, but their word isn’t law. They don’t understand humans and what we need. They just understand their domain. I just feel like we have given them too much. Instead of keeping balance with the forest, sometimes it feels like some in our circle have given themselves up to the forest without question. Given the spirits too much power. And maybe that is the way to be a good Vecatran, but it doesn’t feel correct. The way they were begging for Ash to come back, and willing to give in to her demands, even if they were unreasonable. I guess there was some negotiation because we didn’t kill the Benalians. But if it was her choice to leave because the way we were progressing as a people was so against who she is as a being, then why not just let her leave?

I just. I just feel so disconnected from them. I don’t want to disappoint Ma or Pa. And I have tried to be a good Vecatran. I have tried to be there for the circle and attend the gatherings. Just don’t understand how they think. I don’t understand how they believe. I understand tending to the earth and respecting Vecatra’s gifts. But I don’t understand the spirits. I don’t understand the rituals. I don’t feel Vecatra outside of the earth or the trees or the stones. Just how I don’t understand the Benalians. They speak of God and angels and meaning and purpose, and I don’t understand what they mean. It is like they can feel something I can’t. At least with Vecatra I can feel her under me. How can you feel an Angel? It’s not like you can visit them. So I guess I am a Vecatran? Maybe not a good one, but maybe that is what I am. It’s just the point of a circle seems to be about feeling connected in our beliefs and connected to each other, and I feel so hopelessly disconnected.

Cadence is talking about leaving Luisant when all is said and done. Maybe I will leave with her and Milo. Maybe I just need to get out of here and understand more of the work. She says I don’t need to stop being Vecatran. And maybe I don’t. But can you be a Vecatran just on your own? And can I call myself one if I don’t keep up with the practice and worship? I would be a Maiden without a Mother. I guess I would be less Maiden and more Orphan. I guess I have been one before and it wasn’t so bad. I’m gonna miss Ma and Pa, but it will be ok. I’ll find them again someday. But nothing needs to be decided now. Chiropoler first, then the rest of my life.